In October 2016, I shared an open letter detailing my harrowing experience with benzodiazepine withdrawal and the inherent dangers of benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome. Since then, many have reached out, inquiring about my progress. This update is offered with complete transparency and honesty: the journey has been exceptionally challenging.
Since my initial letter, I have managed to taper my Valium dosage down to 6 mg from 8.5 mg. This slow reduction has been punctuated by a necessary pause for a second surgery related to cancer. However, the primary obstacle remains my extreme sensitivity to even the smallest decreases in Valium, as I must maintain a semblance of functionality for my young daughter. My taper is progressing at a glacial pace, each step marked by significant pain and distress. Daily, I am besieged by a myriad of physical and mental symptoms, so severe that on many occasions, death feels like a welcome escape from this agonizing existence. As the dosage decreases, the withdrawal intensifies, making each day a monumental struggle.
A woman looking distressed, symbolizing the agony of benzodiazepine withdrawal and its impact on family.
New and worsening symptoms have emerged, compounding the existing torment. I frequently awaken in the early hours, heart racing, body trembling with an overwhelming sense of chemical terror. These episodes are sometimes so intense that they elicit screams and desperate pleas for divine intervention, only to be met with silence. On my weakest days, I am largely confined to bed, unable to perform even the simplest tasks. Disturbing urges have surfaced, unsettling in their intensity. In one particularly dark moment, driven by an uncontrollable impulse, I impulsively cut off a significant portion of my hair with scissors – a drastic act born from the depths of this withdrawal. I have yet to seek professional help to rectify this impulsive decision.
My eating patterns have become erratic, oscillating between debilitating nausea and a complete loss of appetite, and conversely, an urgent need to eat frequently to combat terrifying hypoglycemic episodes triggered by panic. Paradoxically, despite periods of reduced intake, I am gaining weight, and none of my clothes fit comfortably. However, the energy required to purchase new garments is simply beyond my depleted capacity. My cognitive abilities are significantly impaired. Simple tasks that were once effortless, such as reading a restaurant menu, locating misplaced items, or even preparing breakfast for my daughter, can now trigger overwhelming meltdowns. It is crucial to emphasize that none of these debilitating symptoms were present before I initiated and subsequently began tapering off benzodiazepines.
The devastating impact of this ordeal extends far beyond my personal suffering; it is fracturing my family. My young daughter has, in essence, lost her mother to this condition, and my husband is understandably weary from the constant demands of caring for me. I am forced to witness life passing me by, a passive observer unable to fully participate. The most profound agony is watching my beautiful daughter grow up, knowing that my involvement in her life is severely limited. This is, without exaggeration, the most horrific experience imaginable.
Within benzodiazepine support forums, I have encountered individuals who express a wish that prescribing physicians could personally endure the agony of withdrawal, hoping it would foster empathy and prompt meaningful action. While this sentiment is understandable in the face of such profound suffering, I would never wish this torment on anyone. It is important to state unequivocally that I never prescribed benzodiazepines in my medical practice, and therefore, have never inflicted this nightmare on another person. However, having personally experienced this medical catastrophe, I am compelled to dedicate myself to benzodiazepine awareness and advocacy. I have become a director at the Benzodiazepine Information Coalition, an organization committed to raising awareness about the inherent dangers of these drugs. We are actively engaged in several crucial projects. Currently, my focus is on assisting individuals harmed by benzodiazepines in filing FDA Medwatch reports. Our aim is to create a substantial database of evidence to support a renewed petition to the FDA, advocating for critical changes in benzodiazepine literature and revised physician guidelines for prescribing and cessation practices. It is imperative that every person injured by benzodiazepines files this report, as this collective data is essential to initiating meaningful change. Detailed information can be found at https://www.benzoinfo.com/fda.
Though I am profoundly unwell, I refuse to allow this critical issue to remain unaddressed. I implore you to stand with me and fight for change.
